Confessions of an Insecure, Fearful, Glory Seeking Campus Director

katie-chase-180320

It happened again and it is what I was most afraid of. A key freshman guy I was spending a lot of time with while on staff with The Navigators was going to commit to another ministry. It wasn’t the first time and yet I felt so disappointed. And I took it personally.

College ministry is unique in that there is lots of turnover and every year there is a new class of freshmen coming in. New opportunities. New relationships. A fresh start.

And yet for the first 4-5 years on staff this also brought along with it many fears and insecurities. What if nobody shows up? What if they don’t like what we do? What if nobody comes to my Bible study? What if they don’t respond to my invitation?

These sinful, self absorbed thoughts and emotions and fears were hard to process through. I didn’t know how to put words to them (which makes this post a mixture of part confession and part catharsis for me personally). I didn’t know how to take feedback on things. My response? Ignore and stuff.

This was unhealthy and by not acknowledging these things it led to a sort of tribe mentality, the very thing Paul speaks against in 1 Corinthians 1:11-13. In my heart, my fears exposed my lust for glory and attention and I didn’t know how to turn from them to Jesus.

Since then God has been refining me. Growing me. Strengthening me in Him. Stripping my longing for self and replacing it for a longing for Him. This has mainly come through failure and keeping my nose in the Word.

The irony is that I’m now more joyful. I’m more excited. I’m more passionate. But not just for me. For my ministry. But for Jesus and His kingdom. For other ministries. For local churches. By no longer being bloated on me, I’m in a place through Jesus to authentically rejoice with others.

The more I do full time ministry to more I marvel at John the Baptist when he says the following in John 3:29-30

“Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease.”

His ministry is dwindling. His role is coming to an end. He is about to be beheaded. AND HE IS FILLED WITH JOY. God give me that supernatural strength. Fill me with such a longing for your praise and glory that I can be my most joyful despite what my ministry looks like or what others think or how they respond.

I’m broken and deeply flawed. Sin has messed me up. My heart loved other things and I still am learning to turn from those.

Thanks be to Jesus for the gospel. For freeing me so I don’t have to be a slave to these things. I can stand securely in Christ. I don’t need anything from other people. I am freed by His love to no longer fear rejection or obscurity or insignificance.

I can love and serve people to not get anything from them but just to see them happy in Jesus.

Forgive me God for loving attention and significance more than I love you. Fill me with your love so I no longer need to fear rejection or disappointment. It doesn’t have to be personal because I’m gloriously and joyfully complete in your Son.

 

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